Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
