I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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