Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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