I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
