Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
