It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
