New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
