Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Randomize
