I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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