Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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