I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
