Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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