Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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