we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
