Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
