I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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