Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Randomize
