Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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