He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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