Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
