Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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