Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
