hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
