when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
