When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
