She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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