I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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