Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
