I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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