As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
