Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
dude. I can hear the air.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
