Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
