She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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