WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
