my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I lost the right to judge tonight
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
