Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
