i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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