oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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