I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
so let's talk penis.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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