Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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