Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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