she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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