somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
