She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
