I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
