take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
