my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
