I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
