just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
should my penis look like a turkey
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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