Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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