Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
