I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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