i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
