then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
