Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
